mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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