Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
