dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
