she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
