My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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