bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
