thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize