And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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