Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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