i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
