Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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