i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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