just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
