watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize