you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
