you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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