God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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