yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
