Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
