ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
