so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
