just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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