im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
