You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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