Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
