sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Yo dont text me then not text me
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
