does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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