Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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