i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize