My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
