I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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