sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
