Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
