what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
