How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
