sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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