who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just puked most of my soul out..
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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