i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
