I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We have started to decorate penises.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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