Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
