Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize