so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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