I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
