When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
