cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Found your dick twin last night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
