I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
