I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Randomize
