Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
