I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
