Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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