@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
