I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
