If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i believe in u and ur pee
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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