Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
