Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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