I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
