oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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