Ambien. No doubt about it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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