I look better un-naked...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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