Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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