i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
it hurts more in the daytime
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
