Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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