I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
