This house was built for laser tag.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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