I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
