he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
