I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Two words: nipple clamps
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