i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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